I Have Seen Everything

By Alec Tarnowski

“Honey? Are you ready? It’s your big day today!”

It’s 9:30 in the morning. The sun returns to its throne in the sky. Its light, embracing the irises of all who awaken to meet it. Not for me. It's not that I did anything wrong. One could argue I’ve done everything right. Not that it matters after that day. The day the light was taken away from me. I haven’t felt light’s embrace in four years. And with that light, so too did everything else. My wife’s smile, my daughter’s rosy cheeks, my own devilishly good looks. All gone, and only for me.

“Hun? Are you there? You’re supposed to be getting ready to go see Dr. Hefflin!”

It’s selfish when you think about it. A simple, working, run-of-the-mill factory worker. Now all of a sudden I’m the special one. I didn’t want to be, but here I am. Look at me everyone, because I sure can’t! Whatever. That’ll all change soon. Four long years of waiting for this. Four birthdays, four anniversaries, covered in shadows. It could be worse. The shadows and I have become good friends over these last four years. I know their secrets, and they know mine. When everything else went away, the shadows were there to welcome me with open arms.

“Samuel! We’re gonna be late! What are you doing?”

“Sorry Cecilia, it’s just a little hard to get ready to go out somewhere when-”

“I know sweetie… I know. It hasn’t been the same since the accident. I’m just excited. And you should be too! Just in time to celebrate my birthday! Dr. Hefflin’s new procedure should restore your vision no problem! At least... that's what he said.”

Doctor Hefflin: a real card. Always eager to try new things and ‘push the boundaries of modern medicine’, or so he says. I just think he’s after a Nobel Prize for inventing some sort of

crazy new medical method. We sometimes went golfing at his country club on the weekends. That ended four years ago.

“So come on hun, I’ll go get Dawn and we can go over to the hospital. Bye bye Cookie! You be a good boy now!”

Cookie barks in response. After giving me my cane, the footsteps of my wife get quieter and quieter until it’s just me wrapped up in the shadows’ embrace once more. Every step, the embrace feels lighter and lighter, as I make my way through what I once knew to be the living room, the kitchen, and the garage, before being escorted to the passenger seat of the car I used to drive everyday to the factory. It must’ve taken at least 10 minutes, though it felt shorter. I’m eager to know what Doctor Hefflin has in store for me.

I hear the engine of the car roar. Its rolling thunder, the calm before the real storm.

“Oh my goodness Samuel!”

Judging from that statement I’ll be more than just blind in a few seconds.

“What is it Cecilia?!”

“You’re gonna be able to see! This is actually happening! I can’t believe it. Aren’t you excited?”

Thank god we weren’t in danger. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost Cecilia or Dawn. Or what they would do if they lost me.

“Of course I’m excited!”

“It’s gonna be the end of our current family situation. It’s gonna be a new beginning.”

I feel the vehicle come to a halt. I grab the door handle, its plastic, eerily cold to the touch. It’s summer.

I can hear the doors of the hospital slide open, and instantly my ears and nose are assaulted by the bustling space. Footsteps, conversations, wheels squeaking, all intertwined with that distinct sterile smell of what I once knew to be a white domain. Maybe they changed the colors.

“Honey there’s Doctor Hefflin now! I guess he’s ready to see you.”

“Hello what. Do. We. Have. HERE! Mr. and Mrs. Steele! Aw and little Dawn too! So good to see you all again.”

“Nice to see you again, too, Doctor Hefflin.”

“I’m sure if Mr. Steele COULD see, he would be happy to see me again too hahaha…”

I can practically feel the tension emanating from Cecilia.

“Too soon? Alright. Well that’s why we’re all here right! To get Mr. Steele restored back to his former glory. To “see” the bigger picture, if it were hahahah…… ha...”

This is the guy I’m entrusting my vision restoration to?

“Now um, Doctor Hefflin. How long will this procedure take?”

“For this simple little thing? A couple hours in and out, and he’ll be good as new! Pretty cool right?”

“Oh my! That soon? That doesn’t sound so bad at all. But are you sure it will go smoothly? Have you done this procedure before?”

“Uhh… hahaha… yes of course! Definitely!

I can practically smell the stench of his lie, or maybe that was just what he ate for breakfast. But Doctor Hefflin has never been one to malpractice, and he’s very passionate (and serious) about his work. I trust him enough to go through with it. But does Cecilia? What’s the worst that could happen? I can’t see still? Big whoop. At this point, I’ll try anything to get to see my family again.

I hear a faint whimper.

“Its ok Dawn! Daddy’s just gonna go sit in that room for a little bit and when he comes back out he’ll give you a big hug! Does that sound good?”

I hear a little giggle as I begin to be guided by Doctor Hefflin.

“Bye sweetie see you soon! Love you!”

Before I can say ‘I love you too’, I hear a door slam behind me as I’m escorted to a seat.

“So, Mr. Steele. How are you doing?”

“I’m anxious but excited.”

“Wonderful. Are you ready?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be.”

“See you on the other side Mr. Steele.”

I awaken to a dim room. A set of tools on a cart to my right. There’s a picture of a smiley face framed on the wall behind it. I can barely make out what it says: “Do your best!” I draw my attention to the center of the room. I see the door I came in through, with a small window on the upper half of it. No light is coming from the window. The longer I stare the farther away it seems to get. Last but not least, my left side. It’s Doctor Hefflin hunched over another chair not too different from mine. The only source of light in the room is coming from above the chair. It’s… me? In the chair. I’m just sitting there, my face frozen in horror. What am I so afraid of? In an instant, I see Dr. Hefflin puncture my left eye with his right hand, a fountain of blood spurting out. I can’t stand to see myself writhe in pain. I turn away, looking back at the picture frame. Something’s different. Rather than a jovial smile, motivating me to try harder, it’s a look of despair. Its eyes are missing, replaced with inky black voids, leaking the blackness down its face in two prominent streaks. The text changed: “WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?”

“READY FOR YOUR PROCEDURE MR. STEELE?”

Doctor Hefflin is standing right in front of my left side. His eyes the same black clouds, crying the same horrid streaks. and his hands all bloodied, the right of which has been replaced with a huge knife-like object.

“GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!”

I push the mangled Doctor Hefflin. His chest is soaked with redness.

Its light again. The light is almost blinding, and its scattered throughout the room rather than coming from a singular source.

“Mr. Steele? Is everything alright? How’s your eyes?”

Its calm. The same “Do your best!” picture to my left, but a different Doctor Hefflin to my right. No circles of black despair to be found, just a typical procedure room. Light floods the window on the door.

“Come on Mr. Steele don’t tell me that fixing your eyes caused your ears to stop working! Now how are they?”

“They’re… amazing. I can see everything!”

“See! What did I tell ya! I knew it would work all along. I’m a genius!”

I hate to admit it but he is. All the doubt clouding my head had just dissipated. I can see everything. Everything. Tables, chairs, lights, people. Colors. It’s real too. I can really see. But what was that… place I was in? Why did that happen? What even happened?

“Well don’t just sit there Mr. Steele! Go see your family! I know you’re as eager to see them as they are easy to see you! Oh and one more thing. Here’s a mirror for yourself just in case you wanted to see that ASAP too. Enjoy!”

I glance into the mirror. It’s me. After everything, it’s still me. I can hardly believe I look the same after all that I went through over the last 4 years. I stare, stare, and stare some more. I’m just how I remember myself.

I walk. I can walk by myself without a cane. What a concept! I open the door to the outside. The first thing I see is Cecilia holding my little Dawn.

“OH MY GOD SAMUEL!”

Cecilia’s embrace is like being wrapped up in a quilt, drinking hot chocolate next to a fireplace on a cold winter’s night. She’s just as beautiful as she was four years ago.

“Daddy’s back!” Dawn squeals with delight.

Dawn’s never been a talkative kid, especially not after what happened. I’m ecstatic to hear those words.

I see a tear start to form on Cecilia’s right eye. I reach out and wipe it before it falls.

“No don’t cry Cecilia it’s alright! The nightmare is over. We can go back to our normal lives.”

“That’s why I’m crying Samuel! It’s been so long… I’m just so happy…”

“Its ok love. Everything’s fine now. Only cry when it’s all over.”

“It’s just… you! You’re you again!”

The tears form again, but remain there, and never fall.

“I take it your eyes are working perfectly well still?”

“Doctor Hefflin! Thank you so much for helping my dear husband. It means the world to us. Truly.”

“Me? No problem! And as soon as the final paperwork gets filled out you can go home and enjoy your lives again, this time with a now SEEING Mr. Steele! Hahaha...”

The nameless conversations I can now attach to faces. The squeaking wheels of the carts, I now see zip past me. The colors. Still white, but at least I KNOW it’s white. For real this time. We make our way over to the receptionist desk. The lady sitting there gives a polite smile and a nod as she begins to fill out my paperwork. Her pen moves gracefully along the paper, each word, visibly matching with the light scratching sounds of the writing tool. Doctor Hefflin stands there grinning from ear to ear.

“And with that… you. Are. All. Set Mr. Steele! Enjoy yourself now! But not too much! Hahaha…”

“Thank you Doctor Hefflin. From the bottom of our hearts. You really made a new beginning for us.”

“Don’t mention it! You take care now. I’ll “see” you later! Hahahahahahahah…..”

See us later? I know it was a bad joke and that’s what Doctor Hefflin is known for, but why would he say that?

It happened again. For a split second, Doctor Hefflin’s face became that all too familiar nightmare that I experienced during the procedure. The million dollar smile turned to a broken

frown. His meaningful gaze, now a soulless, empty stare, filled with the same oozing shadows. The frown turns back to a grin, but rather one of malice than of joy. I thought it was a fluke occurrence. What’s wrong with Doctor Hefflin? Is there something wrong with him? Or… me? He’s back to the way he was. I hope it stays that way.

We make it outside. The sun is eager to fill my eyes with its warm light once more. It’s as if the light made the warmth of the sun itself flow through me, and back into my life. It’s surreal how I’ve missed the beauty of it all. The ocean above, the emerald green trees, even the crowd of cars atop the black plateau of the parking lot. And then I see it: my car. How long has it been since I’ve seen its sleek silver body, partaking in an elegant dance with the beams of sun that hit its surface. I want to be behind the wheel once more. Feel the rush of cars passing me by on the highway, the wind in my face.

“Do you want to drive home?”

Cecilia’s really letting me drive home after not being able to see for so long?

“Are you sure Cecilia?”

“I know how much you loved to drive, and I know how eager you are to drive again. And… I trust you. Maybe against my better judgement here. But I trust you.”

“If you say so dear.”

We all get into the car. I start the engine, the same familiar roar greeting me once more. This time, I’m not the audience to its show, but rather, the tamer. As I drive, I begin noticing all of the different things on the way home that I used to see every time I drove downtown. The billboards, the buildings, the cars, the trees. Just how I left them. All watched over by the sun. Ah, the sun. Everything always comes back to you. You touch everything with your warm hugs and your spectacles of light, but receive no thanks. Why is that? The sun moves behind a patch of cotton candy. The world dims. I can almost make out a face behind the clouds as it slowly passes by, catching up with how the clouds are doing on this fine afternoon.

“JESUS CHRIST SAMUEL!” I had swerved the car and almost sent all three of us into the next life. How could I be so foolish with my wife and my daughter in the car? Thank god nobody was hurt. But it happened again. As soon as I started seeing the smiling face of the big yellow ball in the sky, it flipped into that same face I so vividly remember on that poster frame. Why does it keep happening? Go away!

“Sorry Cecilia, I thought I saw something.”

“Saw what exactly?

“A face.”

“A face?”

“It’s… hard to explain.”

“Well I’ll let you concentrate and you can just tell me all about it when we get home. Ok?”

I want to tell her all about it, but at the same time, I fear she’ll be just as terrified as I am. Or worse. I don’t want her to know.

Home. Finally home. A quaint little space, but more than enough for us three. There’s the kitchen, where Cecilia makes the best tacos the world has ever seen. The bedroom upstairs, my little sanctuary for the last four years. Maybe it was my prison. And of course the living room that I’m standing in now. Cookie is sleeping in the corner next to the fridge. It looks like he raided the food again. It feels like I’ve never set foot in this house, yet I know everything about it.

“What was it that you wanted to talk to me about?”

“Oh from earlier? I was just a little tired I guess, that’s all.”

“Oh… well, if that’s all it was. I'll let you get situated with the house. I’m going to go outside with Dawn to tend to the garden. Ok?”

“Alright honey. See you for dinner.”

Dawn waves at me and I wave at her back. Cecilia’s garden: her pride and joy. Many flowers grew inside of her garden, but her favorite, as well as mine, were the simple white and yellow daffodils in the center of the garden. The yellow center, as vibrant as the sun’s light, and the white petals, as elegant and graceful as a swan lightly grazing on the surface of a blue carpet.

I figured I’d take a load off and watch some good old-fashioned television: a luxury I had taken for granted before I lost my vision. I tune into the news. A big mouthed news anchor is blaring out his lines.

“Tonight at 6 breaking news: local man convicted of killing his family in cold blood after taking hallucinogenic drugs.”

Well that’s terrible. Maybe I don’t want to watch TV anymore.

“And… coming up at 8: plants: do they sneeze? We tune in to scientist Theses Boulzschztmous as he explains his theory for why pla-”

I change the channel. That was weird.

“We see the wild Bongorilla in his natural habitat. Bongorillas are most known for their amazing bongo concerts, and it looks like they are preparing for one-”

Next.

“If you call this number RIGHT NOW you be able to get the exclusive collector’s edition of the Wiggles movie on VHS. Its extremely rare and well worth your investment so call now to pick up yours for a measly 4 payments of $12.9-”

Nothing good seems to be on right now. I turn the TV off. Well that was a disappointment. Now all that’s left is shadows, not unlike the ones that I became acquainted with not so long ago. I close my eyes. I’m at peace for the first time today. It’s comforting knowing that I can always just open my eyes again and see everything. I didn’t have that luxury before.

“HEY YOU.”

My eyes dart open. I can’t seem to see anything out of the ordinary, but something definitely came from the TV. Maybe I’m just hearing things. Back to my peace and quiet.

“I’M TALKING TO YOU.”

It feels like my eyes were pried open. The TV screeches. My ears curl, almost to the point where I feel like they’ll bleed. The picture that comes on is blurry and filled with static, but eventually becomes a little clearer. It’s a man, ordinary as can be, with a toothy grin and a soft green eyes.

“AREN’T YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING?”

Forgetting something?

“DON’T TELL ME YOU’VE FORGOTTEN ALREADY. IT’S YOUR WIFE’S BIRTHDAY TOMORROW IS IT NOT?”

It is indeed my wife’s birthday tomorrow. But I didn’t forget something like that. How could I?

“WELL THEN. WHERE’S HER GIFT?”

Her gift…. HER GIFT! I haven’t had time to get a gift for her yet. Up until a few hours ago, I couldn’t have possibly driven to any store and picked out anything. What could I possibly do now?

“WHY DON’T YOU…. MAKE HER A NICE… CAKE.”

Who is this man? Why is he helping me? And his voice… it’s so familiar yet so foreign. Every sentence is painful to listen to but also comforting.

It’s not a bad idea at all. It might actually be a good idea! I know how to bake a cake. It’ll be something real special for Cecilia, especially now that I can actually see what I’m doing. She always loved whenever I baked for her. That’s what I’m going to do.

“WELL? WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? GO GET THE INGREDIENTS.

itchen. It takes me a little while to familiarize myself with all of the utensils, tools, and food items, but I eventually get my bearings straight.

“HAVE FUN… hehehehehehe…”

The TV lets out another deafening screech before turning off again, this time with nothing more than the same black rectangle it was before the man appeared. Hopefully the kitchen has everything I need for the recipe. It’s gonna be a dark chocolate cake, one of Cecilia’s all-time favorite desserts, and one that I have made her before on her birthday. Its always a special occasion when I bake for her. This time it’ll be extra special.

I grab the eggs, butter, and milk out of the fridge before moving to the pantry, where I grab the sugar and baking powder. Much to my dismay, however, there doesn’t seem to be any flour in the pantry. I check the cupboards under the countertops. Nothing. I’m just about to give up on my endeavor when I notice a bag of flour on the ground next to where I just searched ever so diligently. I try to lift it, but it seems way heavier than usual. Maybe that’s just me overthinking the weight of a full flour bag. I eventually struggle my way up to the countertop where I put all of the ingredients into a large mixing bowl. I turn on the mixing bowl and wait.

The least exciting part about baking: waiting for things to finish what they need to do. I take the time to glance around the room. I notice the grandfather clock next to the couch in the living room. A clock that’s as old as it is accurate. I study the hands going around and around, serving out their sole purpose in life. The longer I watch, the more and more the hands of the clock become hands of a person, reaching out, slowly, but surely, towards me. Two black circles appear next to 1 and 11.

I shake my head out of it. It’s nothing. My brain is tricking me into seeing things I don’t wanna see just because I had an incident earlier, that’s all it is. Just focus. The ingredients are done mixing and are ready to be baked. I turn the oven on. Its warmth reminds me of the sun on my skin from earlier. There’s a reminiscent smell of rotisserie chicken wafting from the inside of

the rectangle of imprisoned sunlight. I set the time: 45 minutes. I blink and half that time goes by. I look at the oven, and it’s soon-to-be-delicious contents inside. Something’s off. It doesn’t look exactly like I would’ve hoped. It vaguely resembles the shape of something more complex than just a small cylinder. Should I open the oven? I open it.

“COOKIE!”

The oven releases a hellish smell of seared flesh. What happened to the chocolate cake?! I saw it! The ingredients were all normal! Sugar, baking powder, eggs, milk, chocolate, flour, it was all there! Where did they go?! Maybe this is just another nightmare. I shake my head again, desperate for my creation to change back to what I thought it was.

The horrific image of my baked dog is once again the delightful chocolate cake that I had made. I’m so sick of this. Why can’t I just see what’s REAL? Why am I being shown these twisted abominations of reality? I set the cake down on the dinner table and sit down. I course my hands through my hair, and rub my eyes vigorously, as if I were attempting to wipe grease from glasses. I hear a door swing open. Its Cecilia, I watch as she puts Dawn down on the couch in the living room, before walking over to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. She hasn’t noticed me yet.

“Hi honey… How’s the garden coming along?”

All I hear is a glass shatter, and see Cecilia with a face of absolute dread and disgust.

“I baked you a cake Cecilia! It’s your favorite! Dark chocolate. Like it?”

Cecilia bends over the sink. A greenish liquid pours out of her mouth. And then again, and then again. It can’t be that bad can it? I look back down at the cake.

Mangled, burnt dog parts are scattered around a mess of sugar, baking powder, and milk. Cookie’s eyes are hollow black pits, with egg whites seeping out of them. NO. NONONONONONONONONO. WHY DOES THIS BAD DREAM KEEP COMING BACK?!

“Cecilia wait I can explain!”

“Get AWAY from me you absolute MONSTER!”

“It’s not what it looks like I swear!”

“Not what it LOOKS LIKE?! SAMUEL YOU BAKED OUR FUCKING DOG! And you’re calling it my FAVORITE?! What is WRONG with you?! What’s next? Are you gonna start cooking Dawn too?!”

I have no words. How did this happen to me? How could it have?

“I’m taking Dawn with me and we’re going away. FAR away. Where you won’t be able to hurt EITHER of us.”

“Cecilia wait please!”

Not her too. PLEASE not her too. Those EYES. The fucking EYES. The same pits of despair. The same eyes that won’t. Stop. Tormenting. ME. She’s smiling now, too.

“AND THEN I’M GOING TO KILL HER!”

“What?”

“AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!”

“No! Don’t hurt my Dawn!”

I grab a knife from the kitchen and lunge at Cecilia. No, it's not Cecilia. I lunge at whatever monster is inside of her. She… It barely moves out of the way. It has a knife of its own too, on its hand. Its knife plunges into my side. The redness starts to flow out.

“GIVE ME MY WIFE BACK!”

I throw the knife. Not the smartest thing I’ve come up with but it doesn’t dodge it. The knife lands straight in its chest, and it falls to the floor, Dawn rolling away from it. A murky puddle of black goop begins to form around the wound, before spilling its contents onto the floor.

Its silent, and all I see is Cecilia, her lifeless body strewn across the living room floor. I sit, for what seems like hours, in disbelief. I killed that monster, but at what cost? Did I kill my own wife?! It’s all my fault, isn’t it..? If I wasn’t so selfish with wanting to fix what couldn’t be

fixed, would any of this have happened..? No time to think. I smell something… the living room.. the living room… it’s… on FIRE?

I look up from my deceased love to see a pillar of flame rising in front of me, in the corner of the room. What caused it? The oven? The kitchen’s not on fire! Why is the living room?! I act quickly, before it starts to spread. First I try stomping it out, and smothering it with a blanket that was left on the couch, but the fire doesn’t seem to die down. I try dumping a bucket of water on the fire, and this time. It seems as though the fire has dissipated. I turn back to Cecilia.

“I’m so sorry my love.”

At least… the house didn’t burn down. The house will be one of my few memories I’ll keep of her after what happened. I can’t believe it. We were supposed to celebrate her birthday tomorrow, and all I wanted to do was make a nice cake for her. Wait a minute. Where’s Dawn?

I look back up. The fire is now covering the entire room: in front of me, to my sides, and behind me. I see Dawn. I don’t want to look. I don’t want to see what horrible atrocity has become of my precious daughter. She lays there, her skin burnt black. Her eyes, her beautiful blue eyes, replaced with what naughty kids would find in their stockings. Lifeless. Cookie, Cecilia, Dawn, lifeless. The fire continues to spread, the hands of smoke choking out what’s left of my pathetic life. Why did I have to see this? I didn’t want to see this. I didn’t want to see any of this. I don’t want to see anymore. It’s these eyes… these DAMNED eyes. I want to get rid of them. I don’t want what they show me.

I take the knife that I had used to kill “the monster”. In a swift strike, I plunge the knife in and out of both sockets. The squishing of the spheres that I assumed were my blessings fills my ears. I don’t even care about the pain. I don’t have to see this nightmare anymore. It’s just me and my shadows. I feel streaks coming down from where my eyes used to be. It’s all over now.